We all need some help sometimes, right?
I say this because when I was younger, I was always the tough girl, tomboyish.
Growing up around brothers and raised by a WWII veteran. It was common to hear or be told. Just be tough! Or don't cry. Just brush it off and keep moving. Dang, I got good at it.
In life, whether a boy or girl, man, woman, child or grown-up, sometimes we need to keep moving to get away from danger or threats. However, saying this may sound evident, but sometimes in life, we need to take a minute not to be so damn tough. Many times in our culture, grieving or (asking for help) can be ignored and what we need is to allow ourselves to process the pain and allowing ourselves the support we need in that department of Grieving!
I locked this grieving thing away for a long time. Thinking back, I recall one of the most crucial times in my life, when my Father passed away. He had told me not to cry when he died. Again, ‘I was like I won't, Dad,’ I won't cry.’
He didn't want me to cry and see me hurt, and I wanted to please him. I carried that false reaction to loss much too far into my life. Denying myself and pleasing others. (Nothing wrong with it, but it went much deeper)
It wasn't too long after my Dad's death that my niece was getting married, and she brought her wedding dress into the house for all to see. A pretty common thing for a soon-to-be bride to do. (However, It was a setup because I overheard a conversation of this decisive plan later on and how I hadn't cried yet because of my dad dying.) Someone had the right idea, but still, it sounds a Lil messed up. Instantly, I realized that when I got married, my Father would not be there to see it. He would not be there to walk me down the aisle and give me away. The devastation hit me so hard, I cried and just thought I was dying inside. I will never forget that moment. So their little plan worked, but there was no real learning from it, just momentary grief.
I will say, though, throughout my young life, not having my Dad cheering me on was a huge loss. To think I couldn't cry was another major hurdle. To never cry is just a lie and creates more issues, and when someone or something triggers that, of course, it can bring on some pretty good drama. We are all made with hearts, feelings, emotions, and tear ducts. God put them there to cleanse us, give us closure on a situation and help us pick up the pieces and move on.
It could be as small as skinning your knee as a child. It's ok to cry, dust off the hurt, clean up the wound, get a big hug from mom or dad and process the pain. I will say as an adult we have to wait sometimes to address pain or loss. Hearing of the death of a loved one, finding ourselves in a divorce, as adults, we can't have a meltdown at work.
There's always the proper place and time, right?
But the hurt that's there, must be processed to heal and be a healthy adult going forward. Sometimes, it may be physical pain and you may be putting off seeing a physician. Or you have a need like groceries, but your afraid you'll feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask someone. This was me, and let me tell you, it's a relief when you can finally make that reach and the reach back is met and fulfilled.
It's ok, and it's very natural to process pain and process it the right way. Old bottled up pain from years ago can turn into anger and frustration. This can stop a person from moving forward in their potential and connecting with people, and it can wound relationships that already exist.
I just want to add that grabbing a friend, grief counselor, pastor, or clergy person to just listen and hear, is a process of healing. There's no shame. That's where we will find solid growth and actual toughness. Vulnerability grows and strengthens us mentally and empowers our connections.
I've experienced isolation and distanced myself from help for many years. Relearning thinking patterns were tough, but the good thing about learning the healthy way is that I don't have to do it alone. I have had a great support group for many years. Family, friends, counselors, and God.
I still have some things I deal with that raise their ugly heads occasionally. I know exactly where they come from, but I'm still working on them. The good news is I'm very aware of the triggers. Staying in the present time is critical because getting in our head is a dry bones desert and nothing good comes of it!
Dr. Henry Cloud is one of my favorite go-to for material The Boundaries.me series really gave a lot of insight into how my emotions were made up, how they work and why I reacted the way I did sometimes. I encourage you to plug into Dr. Henry Cloud. His books and Facebook daily is amazing.
When going through anything life throws at us, it's good to know how to react healthily. Sometimes we may not know, but we can acknowledge that, slow down and get the right answers. Not shoving down the pain or need.
Go ahead and ASK for the Help! Fortify your life and emotions with the good stuff.
Matthew 7:7-8
The Passion Translation
7 “Ask, and the gift is yours. Seek, and you’ll discover. Knock, and the door will be opened for you.
8 For every persistent one will get what he asks for. Every persistent seeker will discover what he longs for. And everyone who knocks persistently will one day find an open door.
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Blessings and Be Well!
Candice ‘Candi’ Holtzclaw